If you have received this guide, you probably know a child close to you who has been diagnosed with cancer. This hard news is confusing and upsetting for everyone involved, including family and friends. You may be wondering how to help, or maybe you are afraid to say something wrong. This quick guide provides some friendly tips from families who have gone through cancer on how you can be truly helpful as a friend or family member.
Some people tend to behave differently around someone who has cancer, such as talking overly warm and uplifting, or being solemn or very busy. Just be yourself, as we know you. Simple phrases like “It’s good to see you” and “How do you feel today”? are always fine.
They allow us to be both honest and not have to go through all the ups and downs of the past weeks. If you want to know more and dig deeper, please take your cues from us. For example, if we want to talk about “changed looks” because of the treatment, we’ll start talking about it ourselves. We know it’s not easy for you to know what works or not, so we have given some examples below.
Instead of saying:
- “I feel so sorry for you.” (This turns us into an object of pity, which feels a bit discouraging)
- “If anyone can beat this, it's you.” (Our chances of surviving cancer are based on a range of factors, but “character” is not one of them)
- “Everything happens for a reason.” (No, we just got unlucky, and will have to deal with it)
- “What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.” (This is not necessarily true; not all suffering results in more strength)
It is better to say:
- “I am sorry this happened to you. I wish you didn't have to go through this hard time.” (This acknowledges that we are still active participants in what is happening, instead of helpless victims).”
- “This sucks. I wish I had a better way to say it, but I know there aren't any words in the world that can make it feel better. I want you to know that you will always have me, and I am not going anywhere.”
Our world has been turned upside down, and often we don’t know where to begin when people offer help. You can make it easier for us by making specific and practical offers, such as cooking a meal, helping with housework, walking the dog, or collecting the other children from school. Your help doesn’t have to be a grand gesture; small practical things already mean a lot. If you don’t know how to help, you can ask us of course. Surprises are also welcome.
Don’t avoid ‘the subject’, but let’s talk about mundane things too and have a laugh now and then. Our cancer is not the only thing worth talking about (but we know it’s a difficult balance to strike).
We love hearing from you, but we may not always have the energy or time to respond.
It’s better not to say that we need to be strong and brave and fight against cancer. Surviving cancer depends on its type and stage and the availability of the right treatment, not on our fighting skills. Cancer is not a character test with recovery as a reward for the brave only. We must submit to medical science and hope for the best.
If you're too upset to comfort and help us, we totally understand. You can still send us cards, messages, or other small signs of support.
Please don’t give your medical opinion about the treatment if we don't ask for it (unless you are an expert in the matter, of course).
Don’t be afraid to say something wrong. Being there, showing that you care, and doing your best are the most important things. And if you think you said something wrong, it helps to be open about it. For example, you could acknowledge your slip of the tongue and make a joke about yourself trying your best but failing terribly. This usually takes the heat out of the room.
